Of all the musicians that were born in Leeds, moved to Goole and grew up on Anglesey Red Smed is definitely one of them. Inheriting his Yorkshire accent from his parents, his musical talents from his Uncle Walter, who was shot by the Japanese at the battle of Kohima (a particularly harsh jury for ‘Burma’s got talent’) and his guitar playing from watching the films of Lassie, Red Smed says his band is 95% ready for action when they take to the stage with legendary punk poet and multi-instrumentalist Attila the Stockbroker who sadly comes from Brighton . We caught up with the band at their rehearsal studio, Red Smed’s bedsit in central Bridgwater. Our reporter Cheerful Charlie Chuckletrousers sent back this report….
Red Smed: We don’t play many gigs, but this will be one of the ones we do. I would suggest people grabbed the tickets remaining as this could well be the last ever.
Charlie; Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You mean…the ‘C’ word….?
Red Smed: yes, it’s on everyone’s lips
Charlie; Crap?
Red Smed: No…not that no..
Charlie: Clueless? Crackers? Incompetent?
Red Smed: That begins with I
Charlie: Competence lacking?
Red Smed: Yes, yes, I get the picture. No, it’s ‘Challenging’.
Charlie: No, I wouldn’t have got that
Red Smed: Well, it’s been difficult to get the band together to rehearse since many of them escaped, changed their facial features, sometimes with toffee hammers, and denied they’d ever known me, but now I think we’re on top of things.
Charlie: Yes, I note that you’ve decided (finally) to draft in some people who can actually sing for a change.
Red Smed: Well, I put it to a vote and opinion was divided. Everybody else said we should, and I said we shouldn’t.
Charlie: It has been said that if you were put in a bucket with 49 other talentless people who couldn’t sing and all the others were battered to death with scotch eggs, you’d still be voted the worse.
Red Smed: Democracy is very overrated. But I think you should speak to some of the singers themselves. Have a word with Yvette for instance.
Charlie: Where is she? There’s no one else here?
Red Smed: (passes telephone) Here. She’s in Australia
Charlie: But, what’s she doing there?
Red Smed: Well, there wasn’t much further she could have gone to get away
Yvette: (from the phone) Hello? Is that Halfords?
Charlie: Ahh Yvette? It’s BBC Radio Stogumber here. I’d like to ask you about Red Smed
Yvette: Er, it’s a very bad line here….
Charlie: He’s a very bad what?
Yvette: Gale-force 7, Rockall rising slowly. (beep…whurrr)
Red Smed: Maybe ask Elaine
Charlie: Ahh, Elaine, can you say something about the Red Smed band for us?
Elaine Posterino di Vatolla il Mio Panino e Caduto nel Lavandino di Campo: No.
Charlie: Who was the third vocalist again?
Red Smed: That’ll be Jo Cox
Charlie: The Labour MP that was murdered by a Nazi?
Red Smed: Think that through for a minute….
Jo Cox: Red Smed is a brilliantly talented musician, songwriter and all-round nice guy, born in Leeds to parents at an early age, he developed one of the most exciting post punk guitar techniques seen this side of…
Charlie: Smed..why are you dressed as Jo Cox??
Red Smed: I’m not!!
Charlie: Well, you are, aren’t you. You’re stood in front of me now dressed in hot pants, a bald wig and a tee shirt saying ‘I’m Jo Cox, me’. But the main giveaway was when you stuck the flute up your arse.
Red Smed: I blame the Tories!
Charlie: Where’s Jo Cox?
Red Smed: She’s in Shropshire. That’s as far away as she got before we caught her.
Charlie: Stiperstones?
Red Smed: Yes, but I’m getting them fixed.
Nick: Sorry Comrade glorious leader but how many strings should be on this bass guitar.?
Alan: That’s not a bass guitar; I’ve told you that’s a hamster.
Nick: What? Flip, back to the drawing board.
Red Smed: Could you please leave my hamster where it was. That’s right, put it back in the cement mixer.
Charlie: Is this going particularly well?
Red Smed: Well, I always remember what my old mother used to say in times of trouble and doubt.
Charlie: ah, yes
Red Smed: She’d say Bugger off you little bastard and sort your own breakfast out. And don’t come running to me when you’ve lost both your legs in a serious car accident, just pull your socks up and get on with it.
Charlie: Is this a motto you’ve taken with you through your life and one which will help you get through the gig on the 14th??
Red Smed: There’s a gig on the 14th?? Shit…..
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Red Smed and the Hot Trot Smash the System Boogie band will be playing at the Bridgwater Arts Centre on Friday 14th November. Headline act Attila the Stockbroker will open the show with his punk poetry, radical rock repertoire and then introduce the Red Smed band who he insists, as the world renowned multi-instrumentalist he is, he will ‘join on stage’ to finish off what should be ‘an exciting evening of excitement’.
Read something sensible about the gig here.
Tickets can be bought via the Art Centre here or on the door.
Red Smed is not an equal opportunities employer.