I think 2025 is going to be a good year. I have no evidence for this, and everything is pointing to it not being. However, I’ve studied every possible conspiracy theory and debunked them all by simply looking at them and thinking ‘well, that’s not going to happen’ . So literally nothing can go wrong.
The asteroid Apophis is NOT going to hit the earth in 2025. And in fact, there’s only a 75% chance that it actually will hit us. And then not until 2029. Global warming will have got us before then anyway.
The Antichrist will not be returning to the earth to slake devastation and dreadfulness upon us. In the book of Revelations, it clearly says ‘The Beast’ will take over nations and ‘The False Prophet’ will claim to have come to save the world. However, people in Bridgwater need have no fear as the clue in the book of Jeremiah calls the anti-Christ ‘Nebuchadnezzar’ and whilst uncannily almost an anagram of ‘Nigel Farage’, if you say this really slowly while inhaling helium, the phrase ‘but probably in Spaxton’ is very clear. And reassuring. More worrying is ‘Elon Musk’- an obvious anagram of Mule Skon (a Babylonian delicacy from the 4th century BC). However, the book of Revelation was written in 96 AD in a remote part of Asia Minor by John ‘the Daft’ and the first line when translated from the Aramaic actually reads ‘don’t believe anything that John the Daft says’. So clearly that’s nonsense. And even looking at it practically there’s simply no way that the modern day multi billionaire could fund the populist demagogue Nigel Farage (an anagram of ‘a ginger elf’) (if you ignore one of the A’s) to win the hearts and minds of a gullible public. As he didn’t do in America with Donald Trump.
Merry
I was looking at what big events are happening in 2025 and discovered that the ‘Future of Everything Festival’ is taking place in New York in May. So, I stopped looking after that.
2025, of course, will be the ‘Year of the Snake’ and in the Chinese zodiac they say that people born in the year of the snake will enjoy visiting spiritual sites, travelling to relaxing destinations and exploring cultural hubs. Which is bad news for the new multi-million-pound bus depot in Taunton as everyone will be coming to Bridgwater.
Christmas
And even Nostradamus pointed out that it will be a great year financially for Aries, Taurus, Leo, Capricorn, Scorpio and Virgo. Which is bad news for us Virgoans, as we don’t believe in star signs.
Nostradamus also predicted that 2025 will see the final demise of i) Landline phones ii) Fax machines iii) Credit cards and iv) DVD players. Which is amazing since he didn’t even predict them happening in the first place.
Everybody
Thinking of the big local things for 2025. Bridgwater Docks will be re-opened as a flotilla of canal boats finally return to the basin only to find 27 giant inflatable illuminated cod have taken up all the moorings after the Board of the Mystical Illuminati emptied out the last pennies from the Town Deal fund for one last exhibition. The Town Hall and the Arts Centre will close for refurbishment, then re-open 6 months later. In the Club Whoopee, Rio De Janeiro. And finally, the Celebration Mile will be renamed the ‘Road of Innate Joy and Happiness’ by a grateful town as it’s dug up for the third and final time and re-routed to Highbridge.
Happy inter-railing.