For my Mercury column this week I chose yet another nautical theme. What is it with me and sailors….? However it seemed a good time, after sitting through exactly the same meeting twice at County where literally nothing had moved forward and nobody had any ideas to what is basically what to do when you hit that iceberg…it’s basically sink or swim…which one will you vote for? Because pretty much both are inevitable unless option three ‘rescue’ comes up. And the Government (having built the ship) are not likely to do anything about that one. It does seem that they’re going for ‘option 4’ which is ‘not sink’. Again, I’m not sure that will happen either as the icy Atlantic is already washing around my ankles and I’m not sure a ‘change of socks’ is going to achieve much…

The Unsinkable RMS Unitanic

People often forget that there was 72 hours of trouble-free sailing before the Titanic hit that iceberg. And sank.

And it’s pretty much the same with the RMS Titanic Unitary Authority. Nobody noticed the engines were on fire when it left Southampton. Hardly anyone bothered that there were less lifeboats than actually needed. And certainly, no-one batted an eyelid that the down trodden working class were in fact battened down below deck in ‘steerage’ class with very little chance of survival should any unforeseen disaster occur.

“We’ve hit an iceberg! Everything’s going to plan!” Shouts First Officer Fothergill from the crow’s nest, admittedly looking through the wrong end of the binoculars. “I’ve got this!” calls out Captain Revans as he seizes the wheel “Full steam ahead!”

“I have to report that we’re holed below the waterline” advises Purser Leyshon. A quick scrutiny committee meeting is called to rearrange the deckchairs. “It’s no use. We’ll have to throw all the staff overboard.” All of them? Well, better safe than sorry. They’ll be of no further use when we haven’t got a ship anymore.

Cue ‘Eastenders drum motif’.

Is it too late to save the Titanic? Maybe when we hit the seabed, we can all just walk free and start again. Or are we already part of the salvage operation? And if not, why are all these vultures flying around above to pick up the pieces?

To find out tune in next week same Bat Time same Bat Channel. (They’re all bats anyway……)

Next Week – What’s the best colour tie to wear when your hot air balloon explodes over the Bristol Channel.